Rewarding Teens
Written by Debra Johanyak
The teenage years are that awkward phase when kids move away from childhood toward adulthood. As their bodies and emotions change tumultuously, they may learn through trial and error how to improve, especially with actions that lead to consequences in the form of discipline.
While parents are busy monitoring teens to observe and correct problematic behavior, it is also important to catch them doing good things and reward them accordingly. Otherwise, they may get in the habit of practicing negative behavior in order to get their parents' attention. Here are a few suggestions for rewarding your teens:
1. Say nice things. You remember the old saying, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Practice it on your teenagers. Bite your tongue when they do silly or careless things unless they deliberately break a rule. Then, when you catch them doing their homework without being told, picking up their rooms, bathing the dog, or taking out trash, offer a few thoughtful words of acknowledgement:
"Thanks for being so thoughtful."
"You're good to pick up on household needs like that."
"Your help will save me time to do other things."
2. Hand out a hug. Physical affection may not seem very useful to a teenager, but it is. Where else can they get appropriate affection without strings or temptations? When your teen brings home a good report card or helps a younger sibling, throw your arm around his shoulders and give him a squeeze. A tap on the head, kiss on the cheek, or a pat on the hand all say the same thing, that you love your child and want to show it.
3. Share quality time. In a recent survey, the average father spent less than three minutes a day in one-to-one time with each child. Many mothers spend ten minutes a day or less per kid. Of course everyone leads hectic lives, but the point is that every child, and especially teenagers, appreciate their place in family life when you make them the focus of it for a short period of time most days. Be a good listener for your teen's failures, successes, and dreams. Hold back on advice until it's asked for or truly needed. Play a board game or shoot hoops. Pull out a deck of cards or do an exercise routine together. Time spent with your children shows that they are important to you.
4. Lend a helping hand. If your teen isn't feeling well, has a sports or social event coming up, or faces competing tasks, help with her chores. Or share your shoulder in moving furniture while cleaning her room. Help fold towels as you chat about the day's events. If your work is caught up as the teenagers do theirs, go out and assist with the car washing, starting a water fight when you're through. Working side by side builds strong bonds that will last forever.
5. Special gifts. Sometimes you can say it with flowers, diamonds, or whatever your teens value. For example, some fathers buy their 16-year-old daughters a promise ring with a diamond chip as a measure of their faith in the daughter's desire to stay pure for her marriage in the future. Or you may help your son buy a much-needed basketball or pitcher's mitt that he's been saving to buy. While you don't want to spoil your children with too many needless gifts, it doesn't hurt to offer an occasional present as a thoughtful gesture of affection and appreciation.
It's easy to get bogged down with cricitizing teens on a daily basis for their attitudes and actions. Give them a little slack as you look for and reward all the good that they're doing. They just might surprise you and do a little more.
Junior Year Parenting Tips
Written by Paulla Estes
The junior year in high school is one of the toughest years a child will face. He is nearly an adult, already old enough to drive, hold a job, or go to prison, but not yet old enough to vote, drink, or join the military. It can be a confusing time of feeling like an adult but not yet being treated as one. Juniors are pummeled daily by talk of the SAT, PSAT, ACT, SAT II, ASVAB, CLEP and more. They are told to keep their grades up because the junior year is the last full year colleges will consider. They are told not only to stay in extracurricular activities, but also to excel and gain leadership positions, if possible. They are told to seek out new activities and by all means, do some volunteering. They are told to keep a part-time job to help pay for college, yet they are reminded that school comes before work. They are told to consider the military, take interest surveys, open a checking account, visit colleges, think about careers, and even choose a major. It can be overwhelming.
Parents are often in a quandary over how to encourage these young almost-adults. Our kids may want to talk to us one day and hear what we have to say; but the next day they completely disagree with our philosophy on life and want nothing to do with anything we suggest. It can be unsettling, unless we are prepared.
One thing parents should keep in mind is that these young people are who they are going to be. Yes, they will mature, gain a bit of weight, maybe even grow another inch or two if they’re boys, but their personalities are set and their abilities and gifts should be fairly apparent, if still inexperienced. While we should still encourage our children at this age to do their best, the time for drilling is just about over. We parents need to be their confidante, their counselor, their trusted advisor and friend. We don’t want to alienate them, or worse, have them alienate us. Following are a few tips for parents that might help make the junior year a little less frustrating, and even rewarding and special:
1. Spend alone time together. This can be tough because both you and your teenager are busy people with different interests. It will be necessary to be the one to cross over and do what he wants, listen to his music, eat a cheeseburger, listen to life crises that seem mundane to you. Don’t judge, just listen. Give opinions, but keep them to a minimum – for the most part, your child already knows what you think.
2. Encourage decision-making. There will be times during the junior year when your teen can’t decide what part-time job to apply for, who to invite to the dance, which colleges to visit, and which volunteer projects to tackle. Don’t leave him on his own, but don’t just tell him what to do, either. Make suggestions, but let him decide. Up until now, very little has been left up to him, and the sudden flood of options can be overwhelming. Be there to discuss, let him bounce ideas off of you, and give opinions if he asks – but let him make the final choice.
3. Share. During the alone times mentioned above, instead of talking only about your teen and what he is dealing with at any given moment, share about yourself and what you did at his age. Talk about college or work experiences after high school. Share past mistakes and regrets. Share accomplishments and successes. But be careful. If your child doesn’t want to go to college or doesn’t seem cut out for it, don’t impress upon him that college is the only road to success because you chose it. Keep the sharing in context, showing how you made decisions, tackled problems, and overcame difficulties.
4. Talk about money. With all the subjects children learn in school, many college freshmen (and even graduates) are amazingly ignorant about how to balance a checkbook or plan a budget. This is the time, if you’re comfortable, to start sharing the household budget with your teen. Show him how much the house payment costs, how much you pay for groceries, and how the electric bill fluctuates throughout the year. Teach him how to manage his own money, and how to save and invest.
5. Enjoy the fun times and breathe through the rough spots. A fellow-mom once compared the last two years of high school to being in labor. Any mother can relate to this analogy: the labor pains begin slowly, mildly, and they are few and far between. But as the weeks and months progress, so does the pain and intensity. The frustration can build, and often the only way to get through those times is to revert back to the Lamaze techniques we all learned in pregnancy. This same wise woman suggested that this is necessary for us to prepare for the “birth” – pushing our young person out into the world. She also said, somewhat jokingly, that this makes it easier to let them go at the end because we want it to be over!
6. Give hugs. Some teens are still very receptive to this, but many will roll their eyes and act as if it’s an inconvenience, or worse, an annoyance. But don’t be fooled. Give your junior lots of hugs, pats on the arm, back rubs, and squeezes. Physical touch raises endorphin levels that you both need during this stressful time. Even if he never initiates it and acts as if he doesn’t care, hug him often.
Although the junior year is whirlwind of school, testing, activities, and talks and plans about the future, it will be over sooner than you think, and that little boy or girl will be grown and on his or her own. Enjoy this year. Make room for laughter and levity. Breathe through the labor pains and take pleasure in watching your child become an adult.
Teaching Teens About Money
From the Mother of Teens Blog
Parents mostly complain that teenagers do not listen to them. The opposite is true when it comes to advice regarding ‘money matters’. Teens actually welcome their parent’s input about their finances.
In the past few years, teenagers have earned billions of dollars with part-time and summer jobs.
Some have spent most of what they earned, while others saved most or even all of it for a big purchase, or for their college education.
Kids these days are becoming more and more aware of their family’s source of income and financial status. They apply these money-spending principles when they venture out on their own.
Thus, it becomes more of a parent’s responsibility to start “training” their teenage kids to use their money wisely.
Here are some ways on how you, as a parent, can teach your teens to save those hard-earned bucks:
1. Lead by example.
With your lifestyle, the children will see how you spend your money.
If they see you allotting a certain amount for a specific household need, they will eventually do the same when they get to earn their own keep.
2. Help your teens get a bank account.
Establishing a bank account under their name would give them an instant financial responsibility.
Sit down and explain to them how to manage their own account, and the “rewards” that they get once they save enough.
Their savings could go to their college tuition, or a big purchase like a car.
Additionally, it gives them a sense of accomplishment once they have saved up, with something concrete to show for it.
You may check out the special benefits that banks offer for teens who open their accounts at such an early age.
3. Construct a “spending plan”.
Once they hear the word ‘budget’, teens tend to cringe at the mere thought of having to restrict the spending of their money.
Instead, you and your teen son or daughter could build a “spending plan”. This would get them excited, and think of ways on how they can wisely spend their savings.
Also, have them list down their earnings versus their expenses.
Let them know the difference between the items that they need and the luxury items that they want, which they can actually do without.
4. Make a “mock” investment in the stock market.
Make them aware of the options that they have financially.
Casually introduce to them the business part of your daily newspapers and have them make “mock” investments for companies who manufactures products that they like.
Monitor the stocks together and this would give them another option of investing their money in the future.
